Report from RNZ
About 20 motorcycles rode on to the Parliament forecourt this afternoon, in an event marking White Ribbon Day.

Over the past week, the White Ribbon Riders have driven across the country, in an effort to raise awareness about the country’s crippling domestic violence record.

This year’s theme – Challenge the Unspoken Rules – has been focused on disrupting the toxic stereotypes that teach young men to toughen up and suppress their feelings.

Speakers noted the poignancy of shining a light on violence against women, in the wake of events like the Grace Millane murder trial.

“It had been a sad week for us this week,” Deputy Police Commissioner Wally Haumaha told the gathering, “when we think of some of the high level incidents that have taken place.”

The loud clarion call about violence towards women and children in New Zealand had become almost deafening over the years, he said, but there was still a long way to go.

The regularity of family harm incidents – with police attending one every four minutes – was a “sad indictment”, he said. “It’s a sad indictment one in three women across the country will experience some form of family harm… that 14 women are killed each year.”

White Ribbon Trust Patron, and former Principal Family Court Judge Peter Boshier told the small crowd there was a dark underbelly in this country, one that had yet to be acknowledged.

“The terrible incidents of domestic violence in this country, which in the Family Court I saw time and time orchestrated by men against women.”

Rider spokesperson Takurua Tawera said traditional notions of what it was to be a man were toxic.

“The old mindsets and traditions of being staunch, ‘boys don’t cry’, ‘I’m the man’ – and the type of environments that coach young boys to be dominant, and then they toughen up”.

Men needed to engage with their emotions, he said, to know it was okay to be sad, or angry, and to know how to manage those feelings.

White Ribbon Spoken Word Competition winner Hannah read her poem Respectfully, which encapsulates the challenges young people face, when violence is the norm.

Respectfully I decline your invitation to this relationship,
You see you remind me of my father,
Even though your hair is a soft brunette and your shoulders are not sharp,
I still saw him in you.
I didn’t realise you were drowning me,
You see drowning is only drowning when you notice you can’t breathe and I did not.
Swimming in waters of ‘where are you?’ texts, and threats you assured me were only jokes,
I had no idea you were already at the back of my throat,
And now you’re in my lungs, ripping through the tissue and carelessly scratching your initials on my heart.
Carelessly.

News from White Ribbon Day
White Ribbon Day is today. Communities and organisations will be holding events all over New Zealand focusing on the elimination of men’s violence towards women, and sharing the Challenge the #Unspoken Rules collateral on their Facebook and media pages.

In Wellington, you can come and join White Ribbon outside Parliament at 12.30pm today, as we welcome back the team of riders who have been spreading the White Ribbon kaupapa around the Lower North Island for the past week.

We will also hear the poem ’Respectfully’ by Hannah Dorey, winner of this year’s White Ribbon Spoken Word Competition for high school students in the Wellington region.

Chief Ombudsman Judge Peter Boshier, Deputy Police Commissioner Wallace Haumaha and Air Marshal Kevin Short, Head of the New Zealand Defence Force, will be there to speak and show their support for changing the narrative and encouraging men to express their emotions in a healthy way.

“We invite New Zealanders to support this cause by going one step further and sharing their personal stories of change on their own social media,” says White Ribbon Ambassador Richie Hardcore. “Sharing stories of change is empowering and can help make a real difference.”

Tag your contribution with #UNSPOKENRULES so that White Ribbon can find these messages and share them.

New Zealand has the highest rate of reported violence against women in the developed world. Mr Hardcore notes “That’s not because men are born bad, but it’s because so many men don’t learn how to resolve conflict non-violently. From boyhood, far too many men are pushed into a limited box of behaviour that’s all about solving problems with violence, being tough, manning up and being the boss, and this carries over into our relationships. When men don’t know how to express their feelings, compromise and communicate, violence is often the result.”

This year White Ribbon are Challenging the #Unspoken Rules. These are the expectations that boys and young men inherit from society, based on outdated ideas of what a man is, how he acts, and how he should express himself. Even if we don’t agree with them, these rules still exist silently in the background for far too many. Rules like, Be the Man, Toughen Up and Boys Don’t Cry reinforce unhelpful stereotypes about what it is to be a man.

Research found that that 47% of men were told that ‘boys don’t cry’ while 65% were told that ‘boys should harden or toughen up’ when they were boys. Conversely only 9% of women were told that ‘girls don’t cry.’

“These numbers are disturbing. But having worked in this space for years now, we know many men are working on themselves, rejecting these old stereotypes and role modelling healthier behaviours not just to their sons, but to the men around them.”

“We want cultural change to happen through a ripple effect of men sharing their experiences online, challenging these old and limited ideas about masculinity. Men are capable of being great at sports, enjoying a night out with the boys and being vulnerable, loving, and nurturing. It’s not one or the other. Sharing stories online creates the social permission for other men to step outside the old paradigms, instead of so much of the banter that teases men for being ‘soft’ and stops us from being open.”

It is time to eliminate violence toward women. Join us and show your support.