Wellington Scoop

Top ten for farmers

by Ian Apperley
It’s nearly Christmas, isn’t it? By now, all you city folk will have bought yourselves a few presents and hopefully a big bottle of gin. You can open your presents and drink your gin, crying into your great big glass of it if you get trapped in your apartments by poor weather.

But we’re not here to mock your weather; we are here because the disinformation fairies are out there causing bloody chaos.

gift 1 mark

All over the internet, powered by the idiotic algorithms churned out by that android Mark Zuckerberg, are “top ten gift lists for farmers.” If any of you buy us any of these, you’re getting a swift kick up your backside.

Apologies, this article is a bit sweary, I’ve been holding back a bit, and it needs to be let loose a little more than usual.

Here’s the top ten Christmas gift list and why it is ridiculous, including alternate gifts that have practical purposes for the farm. Never believe an influencer; they are a tool of Zuckerberg and need to be rounded up and put on an island together. They’d all starve to death, mind you, but as they did it, they’d get plenty of likes.

Ten – Life is better on the farm – mug

gift 2 mug

Mugs. We have enough mugs. We also know that life is better on the farm, mostly, except when it isn’t, and therefore do not need to be reminded. I tell you what, you go and buy yourself one of these mugs and put it prominently amongst your keep cups.

Proudly take it to the local barista each morning on your way to work in your faded suit that hasn’t been dry cleaned in a year, and see just how many friends you make. Make sure you ask for almond milk, or peanut milk, or whatever it is that passes for actual milk these days. Did you know peanut milk is a real thing? Seriously, come on, people.

No, we don’t want any more mugs down here on the farm reminding us of just how bloody marvellous it is. We want gin, and in particular, we want this gin. Perfect for the paddock at the end of the day.

gift 3 gin

Nine – Roo Gardening Apron

gift 4 apron

“Hands free gardening, machine washable, so many pockets, one size fits all, nylon lining. The “Roo” is the large size and ideal for serious gardeners/hobby farmers, and the “Joey” is a half-size better suited for smaller gardens or urban farming.”

Pass me that gin.

You are going to look like an absolute moron running around on the farm wearing one of these with thistles sticking out of one pocket, a lamb in another pocket, the fence hole borer stuffed up there, waratahs, pigtails, and all manner of other crap.

When you get home at night, you can look at your partner with an idiot grin, pull the string, and say in a moronic voice, “Look what I did today with my Roo Apron!” as all the crap falls in a pile at your feet.

Nope. What you need instead is one of these.

gift 5 kanga

An actual preferably boxing kangaroo. Look at that buff beast. It’ll wrangle sheep, punch the kids if they misbehave, leap cattle in a single bound, kick the hell out of vacuum cleaner salespeople, and generally make your farm look cool as.

Buy a couple. Hell, buy ten.

Eight – Seed Gift Cards

gift 6 seeds

You should know something about trying to grow vegetables on the farm; it doesn’t work. The ground is designed to produce one thing only, grass. With the amount of grass seed we go through a year, a card isn’t going to cut it; we’ll need a few sacks at least.

If you put in a veggie garden, you’ll need a trailer load of actual shit from the mushroom factory. It is hard to acquire, as once you approach within 100 meters of the place, you start dry retching, and it gets worse.

If you create a vegetable garden, you’ll need layers of electric fencing and barbed wire – as every animal you are responsible for will think you grew it just for them.

We would much prefer one of these.

gift 7 beer

Well, I say “we”, but I mean me. K is not much for the old Double Brown. But that’s alright; I’ve got her covered next.

Double Brown, ah yes, “If you think the bottom is falling out of your world, have a Double Brown and watch the world fall out of your bottom.”

Seven – A subscription to a hobby farm magazine

gift 7 magazine

First of all: rude, and offensive. It’s not a bloody hobby farm; it’s an actual farm that is smaller than the average size farm. If the accountant mentions that phrase again, they will be thrown into the ocean.

Second, these magazines are filled with foolish ideas. And look, that woman above looks desperately unhappy that someone has bought her one of these subscriptions when all she wanted was:

gift 8 gin

That’s right, lovely Pink Gin & Soda cruisers, K’s favourite. There you are, love, your favourite drink aside from the old Pin Not Grease has been outed. Nothing to be ashamed of; this is a quality drink with a picture of a mighty German-type bird on it, wearing a crown. Beautiful.

Six – Whatever the hell these things are

gift 8 bottles

We’re not just sitting out here on the farm making our kombucha, butter, peanut milk, and whatever the hell else is in these kinds of “self-sufficiency” kits. I wouldn’t touch any of that stuff with a long pole.

Seriously, from left to right, it looks like; Fanta, Double Brown, Urine, Someone’s Blood, more Urine, and Pond Water. Anyway, who has time to be self-sufficient! It’s far easier to go and buy cans on special to store away for the next COVID lockdown than it is to try and create what looks suspiciously like a laboratory from Breaking Bad using our plums.

No no, stop right there; instead of that stuff, buy this stuff.

gift 9 beanz

Baked beans. Or anything that Watties put in a can, except cucumber (if they do). Cucumber is an evil thing; resist it. Baked beans in a can serving this size are the perfect nutritional meal. You don’t need anything else. Buy a cabinet full of them, and you’re all set for the apocalypse.

Oh, and a few tins of peaches for special treats.

Five – A “back” massager

gift 10 massager

I’m going to let the advertising speak for this one. This is potentially the only gift I agree with.

Homesteading and being self-reliant is extremely rewarding … but it’s also hard physical work. A nice electric massager can be a life-saver after a long day gardening, tending animals, building, preserving food, etc. A back massager is great because it’s small, feels great on your back and calves and there’s even a cordless version for the car, truck or tractor.

Well. I’m pretty sure that every hardworking farmer needs one of these things. I love the patronising language as well. It’s absolutely brilliant.

Or you could buy one of these.

gift 11 digger

If the vibra… er massager is not doing it for you, this will. A digger not only constantly vibrates, giving an all-over body massage, but you can also dig giant holes all over the place. Swimming pool, ponds, dams, a BMX track, you name it.

Four – Gentlemen’s Survival Tool

gift 13 knife

The Gentlemen’s Wilderness Multi-Tool for survival purposes. Aside from being somewhat sexist and very strange in colour, this tool will not save you on the farm unless it is a farm for ants! All the tools on this device are tiny, with the only redeeming feature a bottle opener.

And we don’t need a bottle opener because, on the farm, you open beer bottles with your teeth. Or a fence post. Or your eye socket.

What we want is a couple of these.

gift 14 knives

This is the fiskars machete; at nearly 80 centimetres long, it will deal with anything on the farm. And, it will open a beer as well. This monster belongs on the wall of every farm shed everywhere. It’s worth about $40 and is for use by both the female and male of the human species, not just “gentlemen.”

Three – A box with a tractor on it

gift 15 box

This ornate box is pretty useless on the farm. I’m not sure of its true purpose; it may be for putting your grandad’s ashes inside, ensuring that he has a view of the world through the glass lid, constantly reminded of his days of driving tractors, you looking back down on him with your giant head.

If you were allowed to smoke anymore, that’s been cancelled, by the way, then cheap cigars you got at duty-free on the way back from Bali might fit inside. Cigars, you break out now and again to celebrate questionable achievements, such as managing to drink two slabs of Double Brown and then using your tractor to pull over a tree.

Seriously, what you need is one of these.

gift 15 tractor

Big Bud. The world’s largest tractor. This monster hails from Montana, and its 16V engine throws out 1000 HP. By today’s prices, it’ll cost you about $2650 to fill up at the service station. Not that it looks like it will fit in a service station, and imagine driving it down the main road of Carterton – people would just be running and screaming. With joy of course. Total joy at seeing the earth-shaking ear-rupturing largest tractor in the world.

You’ll make your grandad proud.

Two – Eat like a fish

gift 16 book

Don’t buy this book for a farmer. Despite the cunning picture on the front, showing a boat floating across a paddock, this is not how boats work; there are no fish in paddocks, and this author is clearly insane.

The only place that fish go on a farm is in the troughs. They do a fine job at keeping them clean.

Instead, buy one of these things.

gift 16 plane

This magnificent machine is called an Air Tractor. Not content with having a land tractor, adding an Air Tractor to the farm machinery fleet is a must.

It flies at 300 kph and generates over 1300 HP. Crop dust in seconds, can put out your neighbour’s out of control BBQ by dropping four cubic meters of water (4 spa pools) on it from on high, takes the kids to school, chases down rabbits in the paddock, and can be entered in the Wairarapa Air Show as a bonus.

One – This pathetic red wheelbarrow thing

gift 17 wheelbarrow

This red barrow is a cross between a bath and a bicycle. If you are seen using it in a paddock, your neighbour will undoubtedly ram through the fence in his ute, charge it down, and try and kill it with the bull bars.

To be honest, I don’t reckon it would last too long being towed behind the Hilux.

Nope, throw that out, and go and find one of these.

gift 17 makita

You can buy one of these lovely battery-powered wheelbarrows to go green. Its top speed is three kph, but I reckon you could sit in it and reach backwards over your head to drive. If you’ve had your third and subsequent, with 100 minutes run time, this should get you to the pub and back again, ensuring no problems with the po po. It even has lights.


Postscript: I do not endorse anything in this article except the Double Brown.

This article was first published in Ian Apperley’s irresistible new blog: The End of the World; From Urban to Bucolic.


  1. Henry Filth, 30. December 2021, 3:48

    It’s been almost a week – have the mugs started arriving yet?

  2. Ian Apperley, 30. December 2021, 9:39

    No mugs. Socks, undies and a mincer.


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